Tuesday, December 28, 2010

In the end

Few things in life can give you the satisfaction of a job well done than passing out in a party.

The above sentence have no relevance to anything you are going to read further. I just felt that I should impart these nuggets of knowledge to you folks.

Lets call it enlightenment capsules.

My wife decided to have a small get together at home this Christmas eve. As long as there is alcohol, Iam kinda okay with any kind of gathering. The day Mac Donalds introduces the Mac JD Splasher in its beverage section, is the day Iam going to start attending my sons birthday parties.

There are few things that is more tortureous than attending some ankle biters 3rd birthday do.

I should know.

We had thrown one for my son, and I lost half my friend circle, which for me is practicaly the whole lot. I have been thereupon , rather unsuccessfully, trying to convince my wife to celebrate only the significant years in our childrens' life.

Celebrate birth,after which the next party should be when the child is 5, after that give it a long brake and give the key to your apartment and your booze cabinet and leave the city for the child to celebrate his/her 18th birthday. 21 should be celebrated as a 'get out of the house' party.

4 parties. Out of which for 1 you dont even have to invite any of your friends. Think about how fondly you will be remembered.

There are few things in life that will mean nothing to you in the end but for which you have lived your life, than being remembered fondly.

Anyways, back to the Christmas party.

I like celebrating a dead man's birthday. I mean we have been doing it for the last 2009 years and who am I to change the tune? My theory in life is not to fix anything that isnt broken. I also have great regard for a man who held the job description for just 3 years , the result of which changed human history.For the better or for the worse is anybodys guess. You need to admire that. I do realize that if this man takes a look at how his words has been interpreted , he would nail himself down on that cross again.

Fuck religion.Lets get on with the party.

Wife had, very intelligently , invited an ecelectic group of known suspects. There was my elder brother and family, and then 2 other couples where the respective wives were my childhood family friends, which in India makes them my cousins.

For an Indian, a cousin denotes any relationship with a member of the opposite sex whose respective families are close. This is the term used for giving the said relationship an innocence that it might not always deserve.

One of my 'cousins' is married to a guy who does holistic healing ( Yep, you know the kind), the other is married to a guy who is in the Tourism business. Then there is my elder brother, who is fondly known in close circles as Atilla the Hun and his wife. Finally theres me and my wife. Iam leaving out all the kids because they are not important in a Christmas party other than being recipents of gifts.

Some where along the conversation steered towards the 2012 . The holistic chap is convinced that theres going to be a change because we are going into some sort of age. We are now in Iron age, which is not that great because quite sometime back we were in the Golden Age. Its almost like the Pakistan cricket team. Human kind has been declining. According to him , these few years are to force us to change. As you know nothing motivates change than the threat of total annihilation.

The tourism guy says that nothing will happen and the whole thing will be like the Y2K thingy ( remember that?). Holistic says that is an ostrich approach. Tourism says that is called hope. My elder brother thinks we should make a plan to celebrate the ending, because either way the party is bound to be a success.

My take is why bother?

Each day we get up not knowing if we are going to see the end of the day. Life is a fragile thing. Easily begotten , easily forgotten. However we choose to see life; as a gift or as an incident or as an accident or as a natural cause when all the necessary requirements are in place; the end result, we all know, is that this will come to an end. Iam not interested in this deathless part of us which we claim to exist because my knowledge of it is second hand. I know I exist. I also know that what I call I is a thinking,walking, talking ,breathing animated bundle that is a culminated result of everything around me.

Iam the result of you.

If it was possible to peel away the layers of influences, experiences, exposures then perhaps like an onion you might end up with naught. This bundle has an expiry date. It ceases to exist one day. Period. No after life for Tys. Whatever that exists after that, if at all it does exist, will not be tys.

So why bother?

You know what I will be doing on the day the world ends? The same thing as Iam doing today. Living it in a very ordinary way.

But for those who wants to be prepared, please go here.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

A very merry christmas

I turned 41 sometime back.

Have you noticed how when you are in your teens, your future plans are in the span of 30 years or more?

By the time I reach 40s, I will be a millionare and would have screwed half the state of Kerala.

The planning years keep coming down as you age. In your 30s, it is about 15; by the time you hit 40s, you are down to 5. My cousin who is in his 50s confirms that it stays at 5 for him also. My father who is in his 70s says that for him it is about 1 year.

Age is inversely proportional to mortality, even the hope of it.

Did you hear about the new fad that is taking over the Dubai roads?

Its called chucking a live cat out of a speeding car.

Why would anyone want to do that? I mean this is cats we are talking about. They are as good as dead even when they are alive. The only signs of life I see in mine is when I pour Whiskas into its feeding tray.

How on earth does someone throw a cat out of a car? Actually dont answer that. In a world where rape and genocide exist, working out a system for disposing live cats out of automobiles will be a walk in the park for us.

Since another year is coming to an end, bringing the inevitable 2012 even closer, let me regale you with the random snippets of my life which has stood out among the utter ordineriness of my day to day existence.

I had told you earlier that I was caught by cop ( Iam not sure if he really was one, but he flashed me a badge which could have been an Airmiles loyalty card for all I know) for buying booze from Ajman ( where it is sold legally) and bringing it to my home in Sharjah ( where alcohol is prohibited). I had also told you that I was sure I was being scammed and therefore refused to bribe the said cop who there upon informed me that he can make life miserable for me by saying that I bad mouthedhis religion. Whereupon I requested him eagerly to lead the way to the nearest ATM.

Well, what I havent told you was that the same guy caught me another 2 times in the course of this year.

What can I say, Iam consistent.

The second time he caught me, I reminded him that this has occured about 1 month back and that he can have the JD but I will not give him any money. He then looked at me very closely ( we must all look the same ) and then recognition struck and he graciously let me off the hook with a warning.

The third time, I actually caught him before he caught me. I kind of saw him waiting so I stopped the car, got out ,went upto him and said hi. My son was with me and was impressed that I had a local friend. He was very uncomfortable and took off pretty fast.

I have never seen him hence.

Iam still drinking so I guess our path is bound to cross again. I think I will invite him home.

I did tell you that I had this bad case of a nerve disease with a long name. Well I went to the dentist for a dental xray he discovered that my molar was split down the middle. He treated it like some medical wonder since he had xrayed it a week earlier and have declared it as healthy. So he extracted it and kept it in a bottle. I have no idea what gets dentists off. What he didnt know was that I had been biting down hard to bear the pain that I ended up spliting the tooth.

Great news is that with no tooth there to bite down , I think the nerves felt a little betrayed. So nowadays when it makes it presence felt, I treat it like an old friend who calls in once in a while to say hi.

With indifference.

Philosophicaly I have hit rock bottom. The older I have become the more Iam beginning to realize how little I know. Stupidity is hard earned.

Greatest news I have heard in along time was that Harley Davidson has come to India. It has been a dream of mine to bike the whole of India on Harley with Mads. Looks like Iam one step closer to realizing that dream. Now all I have to do is make up my mind and make the time.

And perhaps inform Mads.

Life, I have come to realize ,is pretty good. Of course there is enough to crib about but there is also a shameful knowledge that you yourself got you here which helps curb any such venting. I have long ago let god and other such things off the hook for the state of things. How long can we keep finding scape goats for our own mistakes?

Talking about scape goats, Merry Christmas.