Agro

I have told everyone who can stand to listen to me for more than three minutes that Indians are the new Jews.

People love to hate us.

Its not that I blame them.

Look at us. We are everywhere.

We are any employer's wet dream.We work cheap.We work hard and don't complain.

We are the model expats.We are in the best of behaviour outside our own country. You wont find an Indian having sex on the Jumeriah Beach. Hell, we don't have sex even in our own houses.

We are everywhere.

After taking up their jobs ;( which of course we get only as the last option when they cant find anybody from their own country to fill it , but who cares about that?); we take up their souls by exporting our Gurus and God men.

As the world by now is aware, if you find god, look behind him for an Indian.

After the soul we go for their bodies. Yoga. Ayurvedic Massages.

To rub salt into their wounds, we take over their food. If you haven't eaten Chicken Tikka, its not that you are not an Indian, you probably are not human.

Just when they thought it cant get worse, we take over the movies.

How would you like it if your teenage son's room is adorned with posters of Nicole Kidman and Naomi Watts instead of Aiswarya Rai and Shilpa Shetty?

Oh, it already is?...drop that then.

Man, we were just waiting for it.

So, I , for one, wasn't surprised when this Indian Bashing started. I was surprised when it started being called Curry Bashing. You would have hoped for some bit of creativity. Why didnt they just call it racial? Or is it that there are so many of us that the probability of a fist flying and finding an Indian face for it to land on is higher?

Funny thing is , long ago , I recall something called the Dot Busters and then before that I believe there was something called Apartheid and before that we had the genocide.

Through out it all, we just got hammered. We go about doing what we are good in, and look where it gets us? We become the targets for some idiot's sense of failure.

Am I angry? Hell no.We are easy to beat around. Every civilization at one time or the other has been doing that to us.

When this thing is through, I hope there will be memorials for us or do we have to buy off the US political system for that?

One thing is sure, if ever they get to making soaps out of our fat, like in the good old days, we mallus are going to be in demand.

Coconut Oil in soaps.

These guys will have the softest skin after they wash away all that blood.

God Knows?

Let us for a minute suppose there is a god.

Let us pretend that we put aside our doubts and know for a certainty this thing actually exist and is not a concept moulded and given the breath of life by us. Let us assume that we can erase the fact from our head that this is an evolving god and has the characteristics of the population that exist at any period; that this god becomes what we want it to become.

Let us pretend we were not taught to believe in this god. Conditioned and trained from childhood by every authority figure we came across. Not influenced by the so called paths to this god by the house that we were born into.

Let us go with the assumption that we were born with this knowledge of a god. A certainty waiting to be discovered.Let us forget for a minute that we had asked why would god want that?

Let us go on pretending that without this god our lives will become meaningless, aimless and full of misery. Let us pretend that this god actually listens to our prayers, protect his lesser children, walk two steps towards for every step we take towards him,bring us all together to live in peace and harmony etc. This will be really difficult but we are pretending , so go with me on this.

Let us go with this line of thought that without this god, humankind will revert to its evil self, which makes this policing god a powerful god and us , rather pathetic. Let us assume that we are not inherently good and that each time we do an act of kindness it is for reaping the benefit of god's approval. Let us forget that the news that we hear , see and read , that shocks , revolts and sadden us, does so only because it is done by a small section of our population and it is therefore still news to the majority of us. Let us forget that. Let us decide that we are inherently evil and its only through this god we can cleanse ourselves.

Let us give this god a benefit of doubt.

Then ask ourselves:

Would this god be partial? Can any one of us claim ownership to him? Can he belong to only a certain segment of us?

Would this god be cruel? Can he stand aside and watch the killings and the horrors done in his name all over the world for centuries? Was he part of it?

Would this god be jealous , capable of throwing childish tantrums; destroying everything for the transgression of a few; painting the whole with the same brush?

Would this god wish to be adored, worshipped, constantly prostrated to? Would this god ask his creation that he gave life to spend their life looking for him, at him? Why would he want that? Is this the god we want?

What was this gods chosen creatures when our ancestors were digging furrows to escape the T-Rex? Was he twiddling his divine fingers waiting for his favourite creations to come forth? Whose image was a dodo made on?

Would this god really care only about one species of the millions he has created since this insignificant planet was created?

Would this god create a life cycle that is generally based upon sustenance through the death of another life form, only to make it a moral issue later on? Would life have different value for this god? Is the life of a chicken as important as a human child's*? Did this god decide the values? On what basis?

Is this god really necessary? Hasn't it done its purpose? Outgrown its purpose? What was its purpose?

Now ask yourself, isn't this god really us?

Isn't he as limited as us? As human as us? As self serving as us? Isn't it possible , just a little bit, that perhaps, man made god in his own image?

* I have heard it being said that if there was a god, he would never let a child die.
What the fuck is with that? When did compassion for a life have a timeline? When do we decide to snuff a life?

Oh, hes 21, lets kill him.

Ha!

Forgive me Father ...

The Pack awarded me with the Honest Scrap Awards. Pack obviously doesnt know me too well but hey, Iam not complaining. Iam a whore for appreciation. I blog ,for heaven's sake!

Anyways the trap here is that I need to reveal 10 things about me.

Why do I get this feeling that I have done this before? Why is there this need for us to know each other? Cant we all just go on pretending that we are all very interesting ,intellectual and sensitive bunch of beautiful people?

- I was diagnosed by my school councellor as a misanthrope when I was 16 and have been trying to live up to that label ever since.There should be a law against school councellors labeling children names they cant even spell. When my principal first made reference to it, he made it sound as if that one word is the Universal Theory that will now explain everything in my universe. Personally I thought its a cool word for having a lousy opinion about people.

- I have no empathy. I seriously dont ,but if you would like I can pretend to care. But I really dont. Iam not angry or bitter. Infact I think Iam a very happy content human being. I think empathy is an indulgence to hide our impotence.If I have a sandwich and I see a hungry man, I will give it to him; if I dont have a sandwich, well, I wont have anything to give I guess. It wont worry me or make me feel guilty.I forgive myself quite easily.I also fool myself very easily.

- Iam extremely gullible. I tend to trust easily. You dont have to steal the shirt off my back, you just have to ask. I would like to think Iam a nice guy but sometimes Iam convinced Iam not.

- I can go without any interaction with people for indefinite amount of time. The maximum I have done was 5 months where I lived in our estate house alone without any interaction except for books , walks to the mountains and occasional TV. Food used to be prepared by the estate manager's family and left on the dining table. Heaven.

- Sometimes I risk letting the concept of me overpower the real me.

- Sometimes I tend to take me and my opinions a little too seriously.Thankfully it doesnt last too long.

- I consider myself a very shallow person whose depth is only in the roles I play as a son, brother, husband, father and friend.I exist mostly in the periphery.

- Iam really fascinated with death. Totally morbid about it. Almost all conversation with me will inevitably lead to it. Iam convinced that life is just a preparation for death.Iam not suicidal.I really love life.I think its more beautiful when theres a deadline attached to it. I just dont feel the need to dedicate my life to it. I dont believe in an afterlife. So for me its a one time deal. I respect the rights for anothers right to live or die. So Iam for euthanasia but against capital punishment. Yet I have no quelms in being non vegetarian.Go figure. Very convienient to be me, I tell you.

- I dont believe in god. I tried to.Really. But I dont. It doesnt make sense and I think I wasted to much time on it.

- This is boring the shit out of me...

Iam done. Anyone in a particularly confessional mode can take it up.

Dumb and getting dumber

Iam going on a vacation. This time I plan to take the full length of it allowed to me by my company. A whole 20 days!

I have no idea what I will do with all that time in my hands. My wife can only stand me in small doses and I can stand my kids only in small doses.

This is going to be an algebraical dilemma.

So like all great parents we are planning on having one of those holidays filled with activities. That way no one will have time to think and when we finally catch our breath, we will be back home and I will be back to seeing my children grow horizontally.

There is pond in our house in Kerala. So wife and I have decided to do our own version of 'imitating the life of a water buffalo' for couple of days. We intend to tie the kids to some dry coconuts and let them float around there for a while. That's the greatest thing about kids; you can amuse yourself with them. Being a parent is a hoot. Never a dull moment.

We also plan to do a trek in the Uttranchal. I use that we with trepidation. Actually I have no say in this. My wife insists that walking up a mountain is very relaxing. I have no idea what she been drinking. Watching a movie in boxers is relaxing. Taking a tub bath in jello shot is relaxing as well as nourishing. Walking up a mountain is not relaxing. It is work. But I will suck up my tummy and do it anyway. I love that woman even if she kills me trying to keep me alive.

I kinda love this recession. I get up every morning , get dressed, drive for about 2 hours and get to work. Twiddle my thumb for the rest of the day and then go home. Its the easiest money I have ever made. This must be how the government chappies back home live. Why it didn't catch on earlier? The best part about recession is that every thing is cheap and every one you meet tells you that now is the best time to buy anything. Unless they take some good man love, those things are staying in the shelves Iam afraid. I feel like Gandhi in a brothel.

Dont you get this feeling that all this could be made up? I mean we are a species that likes to worry.

It goes back a long time. Think about it. There we were living life, wrestling mammoths and suddenly Org keels over and dies.

Instead of eating him , we create God.

We worry too much. In fact we like to worry. When we have nothing to worry about we worry about that fact that we have nothing to worry about.

I knew a girl once who was literally peeing in her pants laughing at some crap I said and suddenly she stops with this terror stricken look on her face.

Iam like looking around for a mirror to see if the horns are showing.

Apparently she felt that she is sure to be sad tomorrow because she was laughing so much today.

What the Fuck?

Who is parenting this chick? The Addam's family?

Then I realized we are all like that. We are the fucking Addam's family. We love to worry. We are happiest when we have a frown on our face and a drink in our hand, with the cloud of recession hanging over us, discussing our bleak future with another sorrowful soul on a friend's balcony.

Heaven.

I think we made up the recession to feel good.

I remember that wild glee on our faces during the Y2K time. The world is coming to an end. Oh, goodie!

Then that look of complete disappointment when no planes crashed and we still had to go to work the next day.

Fuck! Life is too good.Nothing bad ever happens.What did I do to deserve that? Hmmm? God? You listening? Send down some bubonic plague. We want to feel good. While you are at it send down some info on the next Big Flood; that will definitely keep us worried for sometime.

Truth be told; I dont fully understand recession. Then there are lots of stuff I don't get. Thats why I like my wife's girl friends. When I go for a party, I spend more time with the girls. The reason is simple. I understand what they say. Things like clothes, Reshmi's affair with a married guy, Tina's embarrassing moment in a party where she reached for drink and grabbed something else; these are things I can understand.

My friends are all jocks. They talk sports and about something called leverage.

I don't do sports. I have nothing against it but its seems like too much effort.I don't think nature intended 22 men to run after one ball. If I wanted to run, I would go and call Mike Tyson a big ass monkey brain.

As Indians, its expected for us to like cricket. Here when a child is born the mother says;

Here's my boobs and this here is your cricket bat.

We as a nation likes cricket. I don't. I somehow lost track of cricket when Kapil Dev was captain and Kirmani the wicket keeper. I kinda lost interest. I think I discovered masturbation. But that's another story.

When I hang around my men friends , its all about something called IPL and 20-20. Now my friends , bless them, treats me with a lot of tenderness that one normally reserves for mentally challenged folks. So they forgive my half hearted attempts to engage in these conversations by saying : There there Tys, go and sip your drink like a good boy. You like some napkin to wipe that dribble down your cheek?

Then theres this talk about Sensex and Nasdeq and IPO which somehow always gives me a hard on. Somewhere along the way I think I dumbed down. What is a leverage?

I was talking to a friend (guy) and he says that he has just picked up a villa in Greens for 1.5.

So Iam like : I.5 Square meter? ( This is me, trying to pretend intelligence)

My friend turns to me with a look that says;who let the monkey out of the cage?; and says: No, million.

I : Square meter?

He: Dirhams!

I: Oh, how man?

He: Leverage.

Huh?

How does a trick to lift heavy load gets you 1.5 million Dirhams?

I don't get it.

That's why I like girls. In a party they are the best people to hang out with. They are funny, they get more interesting when they get drunk unlike men and they talk in a language I understand and for them a successful man is guy who can feed a 1 year old brat and put her to sleep.

Whats that smell? I think its Tyspirit.

The previous post must be the most insensitive, crappiest,juvenile, below the belt nonsense I have written in a long time. Comes very close to the time I decided to argue and destroy the faith of a religious child. It was stupid and uncalled for.The worst part is that I don't even agree with myself.

I do this sometimes.

Iam that kid who painstakingly build a sand castle and then take pleasure in tearing it down.

I do it sometime.

Truth is , I wasn't even trying to be funny or ranting. I was aiming a blow I knew will hurt. Why? I have no idea. I think I was angry.

Been going through a dark phase but that would be an excuse.I have no right to shove that down your throats. So Iam sorry.

This is just a blog for heaven's sake! and I felt like screaming.

Thanks for putting up with it. Thanks to the many who disagreed. I would have seriously been disgusted if you agreed or wrote back something insane like ROFTL. Thanks for those who decided to stand back and let this one pass.Thanks for some who let me have it.


You know what I really thought about that post? It was disrespectful. That is kind of unforgivable. Some of that crap is going to stick and stink for a long time to come.

Trust me, I have experience about such things.

The perils of taking oneself a little too seriously. Word of advice to all those who is going to blow; take a walk. Really.All that smog is great for taking your mind off things because its difficult to stay angry when you are wheezing for breath.

Lets just move on from here , shall we? I don't want to turn this blog into a boring personal insightful crap. I guess sometimes the mask slips and the sight may not be that pretty.

Being a Dick.

You know there is a recession in the air , when you start seeing a higher frequency of posting in this blog. Phones are awfully silent. This can either mean that I have done a darn good job in delegating my work or that most of my clients have skipped town to find a cheap hotel they can afford to hang themselves in.

I don't get many things. One of them is Women and her Periods.

One would think that when you go through something from the time you are young; every single month; you would start getting used to it.

Iam sure it is painful and messy. Iam sure it plays havoc with your hormones, changing you from a peaceful little angel to Kali incarnated.Iam sure that from where you are standing the world should be a little bit more understanding towards you. But guess what? It is boring. 12 months in year, do the math. Get used to it. Deal with it. If you wanna use it as a 'Get Away With Anything I Say or Do For 4 Days Pass', go ahead. Just don't blame me for it . I have a dick. Iam not apologizing for it.

I think Period is wasted on women. If men had it we would have kept score cards.

" I bet my flow was bigger than yours buddy."

"Last one was a gusher pal. You should see the number of pads I used. Really. Wanna see it? I kept it for prosperity, have plans to bronze it.It will make a great mantle piece. "

Iam sure there will be many who will call me insensitive. Guess what? I don't care. A man's problems are a joke. When he suffers from depression due to a fear of impotency, we get sniggers and bad Viagra jokes. Prostrate Cancer and we still get a snigger. Nobody goes around pinning pink ribbons for us. We get just laughed at.Hernia to hemorrhoids and all that goes in between is supposedly bearable.

Why?

Because nothing can compare to child birth.

That is supposed to negate any pain a man has.Its like the great neutralizer.

'Honey theres a 7 inch nail hammered into my forehead.'

'You have no idea how bad I had it when lil jhonny was born.'

'Oh, of course. Iam sorry, I will just take an aspirin and lie down.'

I had an accident once, where I lay with my foot in compound multiple fracture and had to rearrange my legs on the road where I lay while waiting for help.After a month of treatment, the doctors decided to break it again because it didn't set properly. So they fixed external fixtures on it and rearranged my leg while I was conscious.

Guess what ? It was fucking painful.

But ofcourse this must pale in comparison with a delivery. I would never know, would I?

Iam sure child birth is painful. If being a woman is so damn wonderful , why on earth do you make it sound as if it sucks?

I don't get it.

Of course thats probably because Iam a man.

And Iam getting this feeling that Iam somehow required to apologize for that.

Let us get this straight.

Iam a man. I don't get pregnant. I don't give birth. I don't have periods.I understand pain but I dont dwell on it.

Dont blame me for it. Iam build that way. You think its a breeze being me?

Well....it kind of is. Any how, moving on...

We do suffer from depression, pain and other such emotions. We do feel love. We do feel a pang when our child falls. We too love our kids and would have carried them if we had to.But we cant. So quit blaming me for something I can't do.

Iam not from Mars. Guess what, you are not from Venus either. As far as I know, we are very much from here. In this never ending stupid search to label ourselves, we are willing to accept any absurd crap that is thrown at us. You wanna know why we are so different? We don't communicate.

Simple.

You don't want to hear what I have to say because I will have to take into consideration what you might want to hear when I talk to you.

Read it again.

Sometimes this applies to both of us.

It scares us. So we tell you what you want to hear. That way theres peace on earth. There are many among us who choose to be lied to because we cant handle the truth. Then we blame the other and become a victim of our own creation.

We truly are a funny species.

Iam a man. Iam not a woman. Iam not sorry.

But if I was, I would be spending a lot of time checking myself out naked in front of the mirror ....and I will be a lesbian.

Warning: This post could be hazardous to your percieved health.

Today is the No Tobacco Day. This year's theme to antagonize the poor smokers is to show pictorial warnings on the pack. So we will have pictures like the one below on the packs.




Personally I think the idea is cool. Since we are on the subject of playing the moral police and deciding on how the other person should live their lives , let us take this thing the whole nine yards.

I want this printed on plane tickets :



Why? Well it can happen , right? If it can happen, then people should be warned.Let us just cut the fun out of everything.

How about car sales brochures with this on the cover ?





What next? Once the smoking population has been driven underground, let us go after anyone who we perceive interferes with our lives.

Let us make the fat people wear a T shirts that say : Iam eating you out of this world.

Do we put pictures of the health risks on food containing MSG in Chinese food? What about coconuts? Iam partial to that.

Tell you what, why don't we print on the birth certificates this as a potential health warning to all the new arrivals?




Note : pics courtesy of all those who really took them. It certainly wasnt me.