Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Just asking....

I have no idea what is going on around the world.

I hardly watch news. I once came across one Indian channel which proclaims itself as a news channel and all I heard was people screaming at each other. The news anchor was the loudest of them all.

I hate loud sounds.

Hate it when people screams. Hate it when people shouts. It totally disturbs my whole being. Its like throwing a huge rock into the water. It just takes a lot of time for the ripples to settle.

Heard that India is intolerant.

This is kind of news to me. Must be a new thing. Normal people in India gives two fucks what religion anyone belongs to. India will probably become intolerant because all it takes is enough of people to feed into that myth and lo! behold, we become that. That is the beauty of an idea.

Take a bow , God.

I feel the biggest worry that India should be concerned about is giving up , willingly , your rights. And for heaven sake, stop calling your government, the rulers!!!

When the fuck are you going to get over your subjective thought process. You are not ruled. You are governed. There is a fucking huge difference.

What worries me is when the government starts to take on the role of a mother. When they tell you what you have to do and cant do. That's when it gets worrying. Heard that we are now telling people what they can eat and what they cant. Who they can fuck and who they cant.

You see the pattern?

I am not a moralistic person. Never was. I have absolutely no morals. For that matter, I don't care what other people's morals are either. As long as your deeds are not stepping on another's right to exist in their own expression, then see if I give a damn, if you are a beef eating, heavy smoking, middle aged lesbian who wants to worship at Sabrimala.

Personally I don't care. What does bother me is when you say that the beef eating lesbian lady cannot have that view.

I feel we have forgotten the art of debate.

It is through debate that Shankaracharya rejuvenated the temple culture from the widely popular Buddhism. It was through talking , hearing , understanding.

Having an opinion and insisting that that opinion is the only right opinion and to give it authenticity or some sort of validity, dragging in dead people's wisdom which forgets that every thought , every words, every action has a relevance only at a particular time, is akin to verbal terrorism.

I find Ayyappan cool.

He can only have been conceived by a mallu mind.

He is conceived by the union of Shiva and Vishnu ( are the anti gay Hindu community listening?) . thereby bringing together the Vishnavites and Shivates. To take it one step higher, traditionally you were required to first pay your respect at a mosque before you walk towards the Sanidhanam. There is a ritualistic tantric reason why menstruating women were not allowed into a temple .There are temples where a menstruating woman can go to worship. There are also temples where men cannot enter. It was never about exclusion. The ancient way of life, or what I would rather term as a sanskriti , which is now tagged as Hinduism, was never about exclusion. It was always about inclusion. It incorporates everything , everyone, every idea, every concepts. If you can think it, we can find a way of fitting it in.

'How can you say that?'

To me there is nothing more stupid than that question but it still deserves an answer.

I was questioned sometime back on my view on Hitler. Truth is , I have no view on him. But a question was asked about this admiration about him in my part of land, which I had to admit , is there. I have my theories about it. Suddenly the whole conversation went south. It was amusing but at the same time, a bit painful. You see, I was not allowed to admire any qualities of his. How is a man to be judged by time? It is an interesting thought. Ponder over it. What you see will at first scare you, but then you will experience a liberation from fixed perceptions.

Question for the day.

The Nirbhaya Rapists. Is it the act that you condone or is it the person who did the act? I agree that you cannot separate the person from the act , so for a criminal act, logically, the person who committed the act is to be held responsible. My question is this: Can you see them as someone's son, capable of love or loved by someone? Were they kind to someone?

You see where I am going with this?

Are they just rapists?

Judge the deed, not the doer.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Sucking it up.

So, I am on the Vamamarga path.

That's my new thing.

Those not in the know, google it.

No . Wait.

I will explain. It is the Aghora path, which basically along with a few other things also expects the practitioner to be celibate.

Considering that my wife is not living with me and that I am too ugly to have a girlfriend and too poor to afford to buys sex, this seemed to be a logical step to live my pathetic life with some dignity. At least here I can claim that my non existent sex life is a choice.

So now I spend a better part of morning, doing all sort of bandhas which forces the retained sexual energy from my mooladhara to my crown chakra. This would also perhaps mean that I can probably get someone pregnant by kissing her.


Another year has gone by. For the new year, I had gone to Goa with wife and kids.

Actually we drove from Bangalore to Goa and back

Did I ever mention how much I love the road?

I love driving. I love being on the road. I care little for the destination. But the journey.... man, that's the best thing about any journey.

One day, I will take off and just keep going .

So I was in Bangalore. Its a great place. I love it.

Have you taken a look at yourself as seen through a security camera? Every one looks like a criminal. We are all grainy ,weirdly shaped and we move suspiciously.

It doesn't help that with all the terrorists planting bombs around the town, the Bangalore town has been a wee bit paranoid.

(Totally off the mark, why do they say 'plant a bomb'? What grows from that seed? Does planting bombs, make these bastards agriculturists? Anyhow, back to my spiel.)

I walk around with a knapsack. In it you will find my purse, my phone , my Swiss army knife, a duct tape, a garbage bag, a compass, lighter and a book. Its my Bug Out Bag. I never leave home without it. It also makes me look very suspicious.

Did I tell you that I wear black all the time? That doesn't help.

Each time I go to a mall here, after the customary walking through those portals which looks like a door frame someone has forgotten to build a house around, I get to have my bags checked. I just stand back and watch the security rummage through it. I would love to ask him what is it that they are looking for? But I am too scared that they will book me under TADA which will mean TATA for me.

What I find remarkable is how seemingly terrorist free my Sand City looks. I mean it. Its like the whole world is burning around them and you would expect to see at least some sort of security there. But no, you actually don't see them.

But they are there.

Apparently the Sand City has a huge number of undercover cops. It must be easy for them because they all wear the same clothes there. Like how the guy who threw a petrol bomb onto the humongous Christmas tree in a mall found out. He didn't make three paces before he was tackled down, slapped , handcuffed and whisked away by about ten locals who seems to have appeared out of thin air.

I know this, because a friend of mine actually saw it. These guys are there. You just don't see them.

India cannot do that. Sometimes I feel its enemies are within itself. Like a house divided within due to ignorance, intolerance,suspicions and of course its self centered politicians who seems to use instability as a weapon to assure his/her stay in power. India does not have the liberty of being a country with a transient population of migrants who will obey the laws or else pays the consequences. We are too ancient and too varied for such simple methods. Our ways and nature seems to be too deeply ingrained within us that even 2 generations away from their homeland cannot wash it away. We retain our Indianess.

It still puzzles me when I see the diversity around me. I do not know if anyone really comprehends the uniqueness of a culture that has managed over 60 years of solidarity among st such diverseness in clothing, to religions, to food, to language , to climate , to lifestyles, to laws , to likes and dislikes. Its nothing short of an inexplicable mystery.

I have my own theory.

I think its due to our inherent nature of selfcenteredness. As long as we are not individually effected , we don't really care. The nationalistic pride of each state is probably the reason why 29 states and 7 union territories can co exist together as one. Its the clearly marked division that creates the illusion of unity.

I actually like it this way. No where else can it be said with all due honesty that variety is the spice of life.

Even if you have ulcer.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

A Dry Kerala? What the Fuck!

I don't know how this happened and when it happened. I guess, it kind of caught us unaware. There was always these ominous signs, which on hindsight, we should have paid attention to. But like the frog in a pot of water that is being brought to a boil, we did not realize it until we lost everything.

We surrendered without a fight. Somehow even the thought of a resistance was sabotaged by the media and the oppressors , by making us into the enemy. We were the disease. This was being done to cure us. Our rights were stripped away over night.

This was a black day and we could not even drink to that.

To think this could happen in my own , nay, God's own country!

True, a mallu like his peg. Okay we like it a lot.

It offers him the necessary numbness to actually live with being a mallu. Its hard being a mallu. Its like being a black Jew.

I for one, thinks this is a bad idea. You are dealing with a bunch of people who are some of the smartest in the Indian Nation. We even have one of our boys going on that one way trip to Mars. Okie, we are not that smart. But we are devious. You can never tell a mallu to do something or not do something. Terms cannot be dictated to a Keralite. It doesnt go down well with us.

"We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in our toddy shops
we shall fight on the seas and oceans,
we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our Bars, whatever the cost may be,
we shall fight on the beaches,
we shall fight in the Parliament,
we shall fight in the paddy fields and in the streets,
we shall fight in the hills;
we shall never surrender,
and even if we do, which I do not for a moment believe; and this prawn state or a large part of it were subjugated and starving, then our NRIs beyond the seas, armed and guarded by the Foreign exchange, would carry on the struggle, until, in God’s good time, the Bars, with all its power and might, steps forth to the rescue and the liberation of the drunks.”

I have kept quite when the prawn state declared the law against smoking in public places. I felt that it was a justified law. After all those who disagree must consider that smoking in a public place is like peeing in the pool, its gets around.

But closing the bars and declaring a prohibition is stepping on my constitutional right. Its my fucking money, my fucking liver, my fucking life and if I want to drink , I should be allowed to. The day I want the government to become my wife, I will ask them to get into the ring and go a round with my wife.

Look, I get the whole problem with alcoholism. I have seen, as many of us, people who have died of it, the domestic violence due to it, the accidents that are caused by it ( Salman Bhai, take a bow), the late night texting to the exes and the regrettable status updates on facebook. Alcoholism is a serious problem. I get it.

But like a wise monk once said, if the thorns hurt your feet, the solution is not in covering the whole world in leather but rather your soles in it.

The cure for alcoholism is not in prohibition. That will drive the problem underground. You really think you can keep a mallu away from his alcohol? These are the guys who runs lucrative bootlegging trade in moonshine, in Saudi Arabia, which has the strictest penalty against alcohol and its use. My friends are already surfing the net to study making home made mead.

Our Kerala politicians are the most entertaining folks there is. They are the ones who keep the whole of Kerala glued to the TV ,watching Asianet, ignoring the fact that a whole world exists beyond Kerala, Nammade nadu. If they did, they would learn some amount of history which will show what happened when this stunt was pulled in other countries.

This is the same stunt, which costed a horse its head and enabled Italian men in great suits to make offers that no one could refuse.

I don't do politics. I don't understand it and I don't follow it. But every once in a while, one of them goes and does something so stupid that, I will have to switch the channel to Asianet, where I get to to see fat men in white, indistinguishable from each other, talking in a Malayalam which is never really in common conversation. This Malayalam is pompous, incomprehensible and reeks of insincerity. The plan now I hear is to encourage all persons who partakes to rehabilitation. The help of the police is being sought to enforce this. But first they will ensure that the tipplers among the police are rehabilitated and made into teetotalers.

By this time I got off from the floor , where I was rolling around trying hard to control my laughter.

Now I understood why my fellow mallus were glued to this channel to see the antics of these walruses all dressed in white. They are fucking hilarious.

So the plan, in short, is a police state, with moral policing.

Having spend a life time battling addictions, allow me to give you a realistic insight into the dark recesses of a person who take solace in substance abuse. Though this prohibition move effects even the sensible drinkers among us, it is being touted as the concerned step taken by the government to help stem alcoholism.

We need help.

But not this kind of help. You take away an addicts source, he will replace it with another addiction. Once that void has been experienced , you will tend to try and fill it. Every time. We are like zombies. We keep going. The only way, we can climb out of this hole , we have helped dig, is a want to quit. The change , the need for it, has to come from within.

What needed to have been done was an awareness drive. More rehabilitation centers. More AA meetings. Support groups for those who needed help. Counselling.

In the meantime, come down hard on domestic violence. Enforce those laws on drunken driving, mercilessly. Drunken public nuisance should not be tolerated. Enforce and implement the laws that are already in place.

So while the politicians berate about the loss of revenue in excise taxes and the bar owners make noises about their licenses and the bar employees mourn about their jobs, the real problem, is going to find ways to sustain itself.

And Kerala has all the resources necessary to find a way around this.

My suggestion is to have a breath analyzer test for all those politicians when they enter the parliament. I feel that will give an idea how sincere anyone of these guys are about the welfare of their people.

Be the change that you want to see around you.

This is not a good trend. Allow this and tomorrow the government will dictate your life. Remember these are the same clowns who think that rape is caused due to what women wear.

Just a thought.

Buns of a man.

Ahh... my baby... come here ... commeeee here.... kissy kissy... hugs... i missed you... there...there... down boy... down boy!!

Due to my long absence from blogging, I had forgotten my password. Anything that is not used for long tends to fall away. Much like my penis.

In my absence, so many things seems to have happened. Things are a lot more clearer now. I guess with age does come a sense of self assurance. Your age group are the ones currently running the show , so you can actually give a fuck to what they think of you.

I guess that's why this is here -

Man Buns

Nope . Not those.

To be fair, even I thought along the same line when I first heard it. The latest trend - Man Buns! And I am going like, fuck me blue, I have no buns to talk about.

But the plan to shove pillows down my pants was stalled when I found out that the new fad was this :

Its apparently a new fad which originated in New York.

Er, I hate to break the bubble but that is the oldest hairstyle in the world. Buddha sported the same thing and no one calls him a hipster. Go down to India and every self respecting ascetic looks like a Jamaican. Remove the turban of a Sikh and lo, a man bun. Go to a temple pond in Kerala and wait at the exit of the women bathe area and if you dont get beaten by them, you will see a man bun on a woman.

If your hair is long , then this is the most practical way to keep it in one place.

I would have certainly gone for this, except that the area where that bun is supposed to be tied is devoid of any follicles. It is like a nuclear test area. Nothing grows there. I have a place on my head like the Tunguska event.

That's where this little fucker comes to use.

The clip on man bun !

I think I will just stick to shoving pillows down the back of my pants.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Drunken Donuts.

We love our drinks, don't we?

But in India , we seem to take it to the next level.

I love my alcohol. I guess being a mallu , I am wired to be an alcoholic. My earliest memory is of a much older cousin, who in an inebriated state, walked over the Tambanoor bridge in Trivandrum ( which is now named Thiruvananthapuram, and is also used by the cops to see if you are drunk by asking the suspects to spell it), naked.

In the later years he went on to become a Sanyasi. The step between chemical imbalance and spirituality seems to be a subtle one. Of course, he was the family legend. He was everything I wanted to be. Naturist and a monk. Who could ask for more?

In the Sand City, I have a ritual for my drinking. Something as sacred as Jack Daniel, in my book, required that sort of devotion. I used to drink only in the night when I was alone. It had to be just right. Absolute silence and solitude was a requirement. I was not meant to be a social drinker much to the dismay of my parents. I am probably the only person in this planet who had his mother screaming at me at a party to get drunk like normal people.

Now that is how it is for a mallu.

But even I was not prepared for the things we do back home in India to have our bottle and drink it too.

Bangalore .

A city who is a lot like the fun loving young girl who has Bal Thackery as her father. The city goes to sleep at 11 pm for heaven's sake! The place probably has the maximum number of watering holes in the country and the biggest revenue the traffic police makes is from those poor souls who return home after downing a few.

The whole thing is like a well organized production. The cops will place metal barrier gates strategically on the road like a maze and then direct suspiciously weaving vehicles to the side of the road and make the drivers/riders do the dreaded blow job.

If your alcohol level is below 40mg per 100ml of blood, you are pretty much ok. You are free to go home. So that one for the road is fine as long as it stays just one. Unlike the Sand City which has zero tolerance.

Anything above that can get you either fined, vehicle confisticated, licence revoked or jailed , depending on severity and repeat offending. Its all great. They have a detailed website ( http://www.bangaloretrafficpolice.gov.in ) which ensures everyone here knows the law. So its all good.

But lets be honest. When was a law made that was not meant to be broken? Especially when it involves alcohol? Personally I think drunken driving is the most stupidest thing a person can do apart from telling your wife that her butt looks big in that dress. Its suicidal. Not that I have anything against people wanting to kill themselves. Hell, its your life pal, see if I care. But drunken driving puts others at risk. Ask our Salman Bhai.

Since common sense was never the forte of our species, there are many tricks that is being employed to beat the breath analyzer. Whether it works, is anybody's guess. I certainly will not vouch for the effectiveness of any of it. Since I drink myself to a stupor in the confines of my house, this does not apply to me and like politics, government and social issues that does not effect me directly has no relevance or interest to me.

Forget mints and paan.

Apparently guava works. After a night of revelry, eat a guava fruit and you are all set to face Inspector Ramayiah and his breathing tube. Someone said its not the fruit that you have to eat but its leaves. Play it safe. Eat both.

Recently a friend of my wife told her that the most effective method to beat the test is to drink Parachute Coconut Oil.

Yep. I bet the guy was a mallu. The coconut oil as the solution to all of the world's problem can only come from a malayali head.

We believe in our coconut oil. In right doses we know that coconut oil can cure AIDS , baldness and neutralize alcohol from your blood stream.In fact if studied in depth we are positive that it hold the key to the unified theory. In the beginning, before the word, god created coconut oil.

So if you are in Bangalore partying with your local friends , don't be surprised to see a big bottle of Parachute Coconut Oil being part of the celebration.

If the drive home doesn't kill you,hopefully, the cholesterol will.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Still Clueless

I am not much on comparing. Each to its own, that's what I say.

Wife blames it on low empathy but I don't agree, it's more or less because I don't care. Different definition , same meaning...but I really don't care. You live your life and let me live mine.

But it doesn't work that way does it?

The beauty of the sand city is in its way of letting its ugliness be hidden...like its laborers who built it but remains the unseen, unsung heroes. It's easier that way for people like me, who by some unforeseen accident or birth defect cannot relate unless it comes from a source of experience. Even then it's from a source that's self serving. You tend to view from your own perspective and in that lies the virtue or curse, as you might deem it, this ability to be unaffected .

I don't care.

I see yet I don't feel. Thing is I don't think I am alone in this. The more I watch the game of life around me, the more I feel I belong. The only difference being that I say it and most don't. It doesn't make me elate since the easiest path is to admit to your follies and be unconcerned , than to recognize your follies and make a change. But hey, what's the hurry? We are comfortable in our little bubbles of make believe empathy and sympathy, that the need for acting upon it is never called upon us.

Life is good.

We can put a 'Like' on the Tibetan who burns himself to ashes for his freedom on the social media network, or run amok with our verbal diarrhea on female infanticide , rape, genocide, or any other cruelties that we deem deserves our opinion and we can make ourselves believe that we have played our part in changing the world .

Things are good for people like me. The arm chair problem solvers, who with the tip of their fingers can alert the world and make changes.

I blog.

I rest my case.

But then I am the lowest rung in human evolution. I am the bottom feeder. I don't even believe in my own species. If it was up to me , we would have ended on December 21st 2012.

I was that guy who was rooting for the Mayans.

I don't understand.

I don't understand why in India we have those guys standing at the enterance of a mall, going through my bill of purchase and punching it before letting me out. What are they doing? What is the purpose? What do they hope to find.??

I don't understand. I have even asked that uniformed, security guy who gets to wear a uniform and pretend to be a cop what he is doing. He had no answer. He was required to look at the bill and punch it. I asked him if it is to deter shop lifting. He said maybe. So I asked him how will looking at a bill and punching it deter shop lifting, since you are not comparing my purchase with my bill. He nodded thoughtfully and looked at me sheepishly. I realized that I was questioning his purpose. That was not my intention but he emitted the vibes of an animal who is trapped , scared and ashamed. It changes the frequency of my energy and hits me at the base of my solar. It charges the emotion of guilt. I felt bad. I backed away. Thanked him for taking the time to explain it to me. I felt the vibes change.

I still didn't understand. Perhaps its to keep the guy busy. Give him something to do. To keep him engaged. Like that guy you find in the lift. You don't really need someone in the lift to press the buttons for you but yet, there he is.

Its like in India we create jobs so that people can earn; have a purpose. I am okay with that. Like those shadow people in stores whose only job is to follow you around. I get fazed by them. They make me very nervous.

What's their function?

I don't understand.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Death becomes us

Meat gave up on me.

For a hardcore carnivorous, who believed that to save animals bordering on extinction, we need develop a taste for them, this new development is somewhat weird.

As a misanthrope with a death wish, this is not part of any diet. I have never had a physical done because I am of the old school who believes that what you don't know cannot kill you.

When I look back on that fateful day, I developed a repulsion for all animal based food product , I seem to see a pattern. A coming together of specific events to finally kick me where it made perfect sense.

I was reading K Pax. It's a three part book based on a person in a mental institution who claims to be an alien from the planet K Pax. A movie was made on the first part in which Kevin Spacey played the role of prot , the alien. What struck me about the book was his eating habit. He eats only planet produce. His reasoning is that life should not be sustained by another life but rather from its living energy. I found that fascinating. I have always felt hypocritical about my stand about life , humanity and all such crap while stuffing myself with flesh that came from dead animals. But truth be told, the book did not bring about the change. It was just fodder for my thoughts.

Then one day, someone posted a YouTube video about a cow being taken in for slaughtering. The whole video, which lasted about 4 minutes was this cow standing in a narrow corridor that leads to an entrance that is opened and shut with an automatic gate. The cow cannot see what is happening to the cow which went in before her. But she knows that something is wrong. She moves back. She tries to turn and escape but the corridor is too narrow. I saw the panic. The fear. The desperation to live. The resistance to an impending death.

I think I cried.

And that was the end of meat. Every living creature deserves to live. To feel for the murder of a human child but feel nothing for a fish, seems so fundamentally flawed. It seems like a convenient conscience.

Now my wife is convinced that I am going to set off in search of a boodhi tree.

I doubt it.

There is nothing remotely moral or some higher path shit that I connect to. I am way too much of an asshole for that. My actions are purely selfish and self centered. There is definitely something going on with me, but I attribute that to decades on alcoholism and possible mental damage.

But I do have a possible solution for world hunger and population.


Propagate that, get that thought process a little momentum and we will solve two of the biggest problems that seems to plaque humankind.

Two birds with one stone.